“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.”
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”
“To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
“Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.”
“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”
“When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”
“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”
“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
“In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.”
“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”
“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
“I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.”
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”
“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
“He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.”
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
“Tradition is the illusion of permanance.”
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”
“Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.”
“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”
“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
“It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.”
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”
“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
“Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.”
“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
“Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.”
“If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.”
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
“Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”
“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.”
“I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.”
“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
“I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.”
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
“Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
“Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.”
“Marriage is the death of hope.”
“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”
“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”
“Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.”
“I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”
“I am two with nature.”
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